Double Life

Sometimes I feel like I lead a double life. I do not mean that I am a hypocrite and act like a different person than who I truly am; I do not mean that I live two separate lives. I mean that I feel like God put two hearts in my chest, and I can’t keep up with everything I am feeling. I feel things so intensely sometimes, it overwhelms me to the point I am paralyzed not knowing where to begin. I am such a  diverse person, my friends often look at me with puzzled faces and ask me “Really? Who are you? Is there anything you don’t like?” My dear friends, bless them. There are days I find it hard to keep up with myself. Each morning I wake up and can behave drastically different on the outside, but my heart is just the same on the inside. For example, yesterday I woke up and all I wanted to do was hang out with friends, ride around listening to hip hop and laugh obnoxiously loud at everything. Today, I have all acoustic music on, made a pot of coffee, and will be content to talk to no one today. What?! I have taken so many personality tests and all of that mess. If it is possible to be an extroverted introvert, that is me! Any given moment of any given day, whether I am sitting drinking a cup of coffee or dancing my rear off in a club, you can ask me about what is on my heart and I will always say something about this lost world and orphans and how I wish I could love everyone. I know that is not my job to love everyone or save anyone- Jesus already did that! I just mean that on a daily basis the wealth and waste of this world disgusts me because with all that we have there is no reason a child should be in need. So even though I dream of driving a 2013 Audi A5 Cabriolet, I don’t think I could ever buy one in good conscience knowing that I could build an entire village in Guatemala for the price of that car.

In my heart, there are two desires. I pray that every day I follow the right one, the one that will outlive me.

Life is short.



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