You Wouldn’t Even Recognize Me Anymore

You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.

This year has been one of the hardest years of my life. I would like to say that I wear it well, but I cannot. I have lost weight, lost muscle, lost color, lost hope. My new co-workers call me “yellow”. I’ve been having health issues that have resurfaced, totally out of control. I am pretty sure it is all a reaction to what I am going through, and I do not foresee any of that clearing anytime soon. I can’t tell anyone what I face personally, nor can I talk about my health because it is all intertwined; basically I try to avoid talking about me at all. I have faced adversity this year that I never imagined, and things I dare not repeat. I hit a new all time low. I would like to say I was victorious, but all I have felt is defeat. I have not been as dedicated to making the most out of my circumstances. It is easy to shrink back into my shell like a turtle instead of taking one slow step at a time forward. This year I want to be a better person and I want to surround myself with people that help me be a better person. I have painstakingly removed people from my life that I had an unhealthy relationship with. It was terribly difficult for me because I like to be everybody’s friend and help everybody, but it got to the point where I was spent out and had no support myself. My only true companion thorough all of life’s journeys has been and always will be my Lord and Savior- my one true faithful friend. Ashamedly, I treat him pretty poorly most days. I cannot continue to go on as I have been. I refuse to accept the way things are. I believe that God has destined me for greatness. I believe he has destined many a lowly person for greatness. I believe God can heal me, but I also know that in my weakness, He is made stronger. I need his strength in my life and this is me admitting I am weak. Anything of value that comes from my life is because God values me as his child, not because I have done anything to deserve merit.

If you knew me a few years ago, the wild ball of energy that I used to be; the fit, exuberant, loving little woman I used to be, you would not recognize me now. I am not her.

My prayer is that this time next year, you will not recognize this version of me either. In fact, I shall be happy if I never see her again. Christ came not to fix broken things, but to make all things new (2 Corinthians 5:17). I wish you all a blessed New Year.

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