It gets worse at night

Life is nothing as I had imagined it would be at this point in my life. No one warned me. Arguably, I doubt anyone foreknew that this would happen to warn me, or had they somehow been able to warn me, it is doubtful it would have helped. Though I may have 2 degrees gathering dust, I know I am a better person for having earned them. I know that in those 5 years of college I learned even more outside of the classroom. Though my current situation is not preferable, I appreciate all I have been though and who I have become. I am definitely a work in progress, always will be. I think it gets worse at night when I am sitting contemplating my day, wishing I could have done more, feeling crippled, drowning in questions. I wonder what value I have; what value I give to others. Why I have to go through this. What did I do to make her betray me? I can’t tell if I miss him, or I just miss being in love. Maybe it’s both. I miss being loved. 2010 was the year I lost it all. Lost friends, lost job, lost passion, lost hope. Some of my friends did not intend to leave me, they just graduated and moved away. I lost my 2 best girl friends to guys. To hell with that sh*t. If you can’t be yourself with a guy you shouldn’t be with him. Instead, I get left behind. One was a slow drift, the other was a stab in the front/back/left/right- all around betrayal. I have blocked it out of my mind fairly well until recently when I have the time to think about it. I wonder what I did. Maybe I was too self-absorbed not to notice? They both came to me and told me, I expressed healthy concern and pledged my support of them if that is what they though was best, and they both took off any way; they left me and every one else behind. The two people that knew me better than anyone, the two people who stood with me through it all, and I for them- gone. And for some reason that only God knows I sit in this God-forsaken town with it’s shallow, selfish, stupid people. Wah I should shut up. See, I told you it gets worse at night.


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