Today is my birthday! YAY! Though I hate getting older. I am a 5 yr old stuck in an aging body, therefore birthdays are always a bittersweet experience for me. Today, I did nothing huge for my special day, but it was still special. Usually I do something loud with a lot of people. Today, I took myself to Starbucks at 7:30am and worked for 8 hours, returned late books to the library, and went home to get dressed up to go out to a nice dinner with family. It was a very nice birthday. Truly.
I do not seek to diminish the sweet, but I must admit the bitter. The bitter being that I am realizing for the past twenty something years I have made numerous friends and countless acquaintances, however, when it comes to best friends, I seem to surround myself with undependable people, though not on purpose. I attract people that will never invest a fraction of the love I give to them back into me. Do not misunderstand what I am saying- I do NOT give to people so that I may get something in return. I am recognizing the truth that if only one person is sacrificing in a “friendship, no real relationship exists between the two; it is suicide. With this regard, I admit that in the area of relationships I am finding myself to be severely suicidal. It ends here. I’m done loving people that frankly don’t give a shit. I’m done wasting precious time and my love and my energy, life is too short.
I can’t lie, today I deliberately planned minimally in hope that my heart would not be greatly disappointed. I have come to expect a certain level of disappointment knowing that I naturally anticipate great things, and apparently I am the only one in the world who still believes in the best. Try as I may, my heart is still disappointed. Today I think of all the people I have thrown parties for or with yet no one has every thrown me a party, ever. I keep in touch, I bend over backwards, I break… all apparently for no reason. Ok, I know, I know there is a reason: it has shaped me into who I am, plus I am learning and improving, I cannot regret that. I guess I am not wondering about me, I wonder about others, if they will ever suffer the consequences for the crappy way they treat people. I must live with the peace of mind knowing that I am not in the wrong, that I am the better person.
I am ever grateful for my true friends and my family, no matter how few and far between. I must also thank the losers who have drained the ever-loving life out of me- you did not kill me, you made me stronger, better. I am thankful for each day that life reigns over death, for each sweet smell, soft touch, savory taste, sensational sight, and smooth sound that has graced my life, and for the ugly that helps me better recognize true beauty. If you suck as a friend, stop it! If you are a wonderful friend, you are truly wonderful so stop doubting it. If you are not sure what kind of friend you are, you are a bad one. Happy Birthday to the 9-21’s out there! I honestly had a good birthday, I hope you did too!